Dear God

First & Last Trip to Napels NY with Caroline

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How do I begin Lord?

Your mercies are new today and I’m resting in that truth. This is my heart as I wait for You.

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“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.”

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I’m still so sad most of the time, I cry to hear carries laugh just one more time, to be encouraged by her for just another moment. I miss my friend that knew me so well. No one knew me the way she did. She’s so special to my heart and I don’t want to let her go. I think about all the maybes and ifs, I even began to hope my future husband met her before she went to heaven, more than ever. I know men who love you Lord and I just want to talk to her about them and hear her thoughts about how far I’ve come in that area of my life. She knew me before I surrendered my life to You Abba! She knew the brokenness I’ve felt from too many men, from my own father to the strangers. I miss so many things about her and the things we would do. I miss her company and touch the most. I miss movie nights and spending time with Cait. Everything I see and experience makes me miss doing life together with her. No one can replace her and sometimes I wish someone would just so it wouldn’t hurt so bad. I cry out, “ come back,” but I know you wouldn’t want to because neither would I. We always wanted Jesus more than anything more than we could ever want each-other. Life seems just a little dull without my sunshine that kept life so fun, where laughs filled the air every second. Life with her left no room for dullness. Dear God I’m glad you took her from pain and sadness but I’m so sad and I can’t help it, I just feel this way. I know your good but how is this good for me, for Cait? You know how emotional and sensitive I am, I question how strong You know me to be because Lord I feel the complete opposite of strong. Definitely not strong enough for this. Maybe you knew how weak I would be and how heartbroken just so you could show up in ways you never have before. But Abba this hurts and I can’t do it, I need you to take this, hold me, heal me, give me love. Sometimes I feel so alone in this life and all I can do is wait for your presence, wait for another second of Your glory, and Holy Spirit to comfort me and God you are my greatest blanket of love. How could I live with out you? I never have to! I’ve stopped looking at pics and videos and I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not. I don’t know if I’m doing this right, I don’t know if there is a way to. I hope for better days and then I cry endlessly. I laugh and I have so much joy but the moment I thank you for this joy, I cry again and I remember my carebear and how I wish she was here, even though I know being with you is better. Your way, Your reasoning for this pain in my heart, I don’t understand, but help me please to let go and give you all my questions, doubts, complaints, fears, tears, and sorrows. You’ve always been by my side and all I can do is trust You in all I don’t know. I don’t know why, why me, why now, why us, what are you doing Lord? How will this grow me, or perfect me? I can’t see the reasons for me, but I can see it for the world. I know through carrie you’ll save many. I know she’s with you in your perfect embrace enjoying your glory rise and your glory set. She’s laughing at all your jokes and your laughing at hers. She’s taking pictures of all your handiwork, more magnificent than any mortal has seen. She’s met her brother, John, and she’s met so many people she’s always dreamed of meeting in heaven. Oh my heart knows it. Yet I can’t comprehend. I know she can’t get enough of all heaven has to offer, forever. I’m so glad she’s with you and I can’t wait to be, sooner than later, but I know I have things to do here on earth. I just feel it! But I know it won’t be easy without her. And God that kills me. Though you slay me, I will trust in You! How do I write after this? How do I share about her? How will this book end?

Is the devotional I’m writing for her even for other people or is it just me and her family!? I need to hear your voice. I need your comfort and I need a love that stays here with me to do this life with. I can’t do this alone! God you are sovereign, trustworthy, personal, lovely, comforting with strong arms :), all knowing, closer than ever. I wonder if I’ll ever be normal or if I even want to be. I just want to live for you Lord and abide in You Holy Spirit doing the will of the Father. I want to do all of it no matter what it looks like! Help me, Lord to move forward, step by step with You, as glimpses of my dearest friend stays in my heart forever. I await Your new thing!💕

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Venmo: @Yona-Downes